i need to sleep. i would so love to get away from this world for just a moment. no, im greedy. not a moment.. maybe longer.. but im never satisfied. everytime i try to enjoy myself.. i cannot be myself. all the what ifs start flying in uncontrollably. i want to avoid hurt. and to avoid it means to avoid people. that means to avoid myself, as well. what am i talking about.

everytime i think about the fun times i enjoyed.. i want it to happen again. but somehow the same feeling never comes back anymore. maybe because in the cause of it, things change, circumstances change, fate changes and people change. sometimes just reminscing would just be beautiful. the good ole times.. they never seem to be able to become a reality again.

God made all things beautiful. they were meant to be. in this society where everything is just freaky, scary and uncertain.. how much can one be assured of? everything. in Jesus. but sometimes i just can't help being helpless, lost and lonely. today was the first practice i missed. maybe it's a good thing.. maybe it's not. i miss the sense of satisfaction from all the effort put in.. i miss enjoying every note and harmony. dream on. someone hit me back to reality...

i feel so uneasy today. maybe it's because it's the time of the month and i keep having giddy spells and frequent headaches. my mood swings are swinging in again. all i feel like doing is sleep sleep sleep. even shopping makes me a lil tired now. there's so many things i need to do.. and so many thing's that are bothering me. im annoyed, i'll be lying if i said i didn't need attention.. im still one breathing human here! i seem to have been "dead" for the past 7 years. i feel so insecure. so lifeless.

reality and what i appear to be.. two different things. i cant hide forever.. though i wish to do so. as i always say. reality is cruel. and till today i still think so. there are so many things that have changed my life and many that have made my journey on earth wonderful. i wonder what's with human nature.. minds that wander off to wierd places when being left alone. i guess no one likes to be alone.

the future being so uncertain and so scary, im afraid to face it, i dont want to face it. im afraid that i'll do things that i'll regret, i always do. i think much, and to my dismay, worry much. someone stop my brain please.. it's tired.

yawn.

today was one tiring day. but i enjoyed every minute of it.

songs songs songs.. what pastor said today really spoke to me. lalalala! "i will sing of Your love forever!" =)

met alene and janey this morning before service.. reserved like 11 seats then went makan! i left half a cup of green tea unfinished cos i was eating so slowly! haha.

ole! tml can snooze in bed and nua as long as i like!

all the best to everyone taking chinese o levels tml! learn from amanda! spastic girl.. memorised all the begining and ending of how to write gong-han! haha.

oh janey! today's shopping was great! lalala! topshop, zara, mango, the face shop.... oh man i wna buy everything! haha! obsession! mika!! shopping shopping! arrange a time to go out together ya? lala! =)

super tired. sweetie dreams!

I will be here -- steven curtis chapman

Tomorrow morning if you wake up
And the sun does not appear
I, I will be here
If in the dark we lose sight of love
Hold my hand and have no fear
Cause I, I will be here

I will be here
When you feel like being quiet
When you need to speak your mind
I will listen
And I will be here
When the laughter turns to crying
Through the winning, losing and trying
We'll be together
Cause I will be here

Tomorrow morning if you wake up
And the future is unclear
I, I will be here
As sure as seasons are made for change
Our lifetimes are made for years
So I, I will be here

I will be here
And you can cry on my shoulder
When the mirror tells us we're older
I will hold you
And I will be here
To watch you grow in beauty
And tell you all the things you are to me
I will be here

I will be true to the promise I have made
To you and to the One who gave you to me

I, I will be here

And just as sure as seasons are made for change
Our lifetimes are made for years
So I, I will be here
We'll be together
I will be here =)

(alene! send me the song! =))

6.38pm, friday may 26 2006...

the moment i made the toughest decision in this whole entire year. i feel like changing my mind again. but what needs to be done has been done. i want to regret my decision... i so so badly want to... but...



happy birthday jackie dear! you're a big girl now...

i made i new discovery today! and was rather high about it. (ask yingen yulan or jackie!) oh man i think im super lag. veh veh weak today. just feel like closing my eyes and never wake up. but there's so many things to be done.. i have no energy left. milo anyone?

hmms.. decides to slack for a while! finished maths project and mailed to mrs lim alr! yay yingen and mel! love me! haha jk lah. today was a rather horrifying day.. blah blah.. results and stuff. crying whining and complaining. thank you so much janey and nic for just being there to remind me how much Daddy wants the best for me and to rely on His wisdom! A1s for o levels! =)

congrats to alot of people! firstly.. yingen tan tan tan!!! for getting second and first in two relays? and second? in 1500! and she did it all during a spliting headache! grace grace man! congrats yingen! =)
congrats to my brother for getting first in class. every single week my granny says "di yi ming di yi ming!" (um translation: first in class first in class!) to my brother after church.. so guess what? he did get first in class afterall! well done! =) hmm. much to the envy of me! L1R5 high to the skies. reaches heaven and lets Daddy take care of them! my sis was like telling my brother. "wait till you see my results on friday!"
=S oh man. why do all my siblings have to be so freaking smart! stress leh. but their results good good also lah! compare all you want! i dun care!

sometimes i dont understand human mentality. so confusing, so annoying.

yay sunday's coming! janey's going out with me! for once i dun have to endure my entire family's "drama lunch"! haha. i cant wait to go shopping around with my darling janey! yay! =) and more more shopping during the hols! =)) cant wait cant wait for camp too! yay! so excited! lala!

at least i have stuff that cheer me up. oh is monday's movie, outing, (marche?) on? yingen mandalim shey caho and everyone else interested!!!! attention! hello everybody! clap your hands! (oh isn't that jackie? =p) haha lala!!

shut up shut up! hello chill and get a life can? you dont ALWAYS win when you start crying. hello? you're not some big shot so just shut up and give me some peace can? everything also must cry. if one fine day your eyes come out i wont feel sorry.. at all! bah. crybaby. you barely lost a game! *rolls eyes*

lala! today was a rather tiring day.. had to get up early to go church! i literally ran from city hall mrt to suntec! more leg muscles! pain pain! haha. thank goodness managed to reached before doors open (i din walk so fast for nothing!) and get seats in the audi for my family. then went down to food court with alene. now got story! haha. once upon a time... there lived two coffee shops in the food court. one had a long queue and the other had no queue. two lovely darlings were hungry/thirsty but were lazy to queue! so decided to go to the no queue coffee shop (duh) then realised why the shop got NO queue. cos there was NO milo, NO tehsi, NO barely, NO milk. only got canned drinks! aiyoh. what kind of coffee shop was that? haha. the two darlings enjoyed their lovely green tea anyway! =)

service was great... although the comatose person in front of us was rather distracting. haha. what pastor said today made me really think. spend time with people who replenish you and not people who deplete you even if they're your relatives. i guess people are really a great influence. but i cannot depend on them for my long term peace and security. to err is human so no one is perfect. my SOLID rock is Daddy and He'll never disappoint me! =) loving the one in me! i'll feel satisfied even if everyone in the world fails me. i'll never feel lonely and disappointed with myself with Him as my comfort and wisdom!

lunch was a drama. long story. after that went home nap a while and went shopping! lala! had a wonderful time walking around and eating marche! =) high like crazy. haha.

lala it's getting late and im really sleepy after such a long day.. oh! 4c bring ties tml! although i guess no one would see alr eh.. haha.. lala! =)

so many things happened just in one day.. whoa. my "tomato" (in alene's context) arrived! rahh.. and now im having a horrible pimple out burst. phototaking's on monday! nooo. i wna cut fringe! big forehead i need to cover! haha. mika cut her hair today.. she looks nice with any hairstyle lah but i still prefer her long nice hair! =)

was at rousy's 9am.. yawning half the time cos of tomato. yawn yawn low productivity... dare was great. the coaches were all so funny! worship was wonderful.. jumping jumping and mika's earings were flying flying! hee. dinner.. chomp chomp.. after that went to get chocos! YUMMMY! i'd do anything for chocos! muahahaha. walked with janey claire nic and alene halfway den alene and i took bus to rousy's. we were both so chatty on the way there and even at rousy's! opps. haiya but i haven't seen her almost the whole week so got alot of catching up yeh.. =p

lala it's late and i have to wake up uber early tml to go church.. but.. my hair's still wet so lala.

lala! um yingen.. the first post was random lah.. testing only! =p
alright everyone who reads this please relink me ya?

last few days have been happening.. as in alot of things happening.. brain clog.. i suspect my post is gna be a pretty long one so...

alright.. thankies first. thank you alene for being there the last week to cheer me on. for reminding me that Daddy's always there for me! if you ever get to read this.. thank you so much! and dont worry ya? Daddy's always there for you too! =) thank you laoda for crapping with me the last few days! really appreciated that. thank you jiaxin for just chatting with me. i realise i have short term memory. thank you everyone who has just seen me through this week. especially you Daddy.

now for wishes. i shall try to improve my memory! to: yingen carrie jackie pearl shihui jiaxin dj yeokseng ruixiang yinzuo andy elisha alwyn amandaho tszman junyi yunzhi rachel alene tiffanymei... all the bestest for your coming o levels! just a few more weeks ya.. it'll be over! so hang in there! you all can make it de! =) sorry if i forgot to wish anyone else!

since next week choir's starting.. i shall rant a lil. i miss all my seniors. especially becky. if you're reading this.. come back visit soon darling! i miss you! oh how i miss those times when we were in sec one and two.. listening to mr george tan's crappy jokes and his unique laughter.. i miss ms ow and her warm encouragements.. i miss.. ms lim. i wouldn't mind if all this repeated itself again. i wouldn't mind enduring ms lim's shouting and scolding, saying how we sound like sai. remember the times we sat in that church in different sections discussing how to improve each other? remember the times we sang freely? remember the jokes cracked during sectionals and how we were all so nervous yet refused to hug each other till the results were out? remember the tiring but wonderful times during practices with anderson and fairfield? how we sang those songs over and over and over again?

i grew to love singing. whether in choir, jamming or in church. i love the melodious harmony that the music brings. but.. i hate to attend practices now. the feelings of enjoyment in my songs are not there anymore. the politics, schemming, backstabing, lying, sulking, quarreling make it all so ugly. it's disgusting how everything functions now. simply horrifying. why bring reality in so quickly and force us to accept how the real world outside is like? why not let us enjoy our teenage years with wonderful memories to reminscise? why bring in all the quarrel and strife? why did human nature turn out to be so ugly?

results. i may not have the chance to ever sing in choir again. reality reality. why is it always so cruel?

this long and taxing week is finally over. thank God. im so looking forward to tml. although it's gna be a long day. im spending half of it with a bunch of glorious people. =)

lastly. to my darling: you still remember our little outing this sunday afternoon? if you're reading this.. please confirm with me? im keeping my sunday free for this.. =)

may monday never come...

blah blah blah lalala